James Crowden's Cider Apple Poem
Next week my good friend James Crowden will be appearing at the amazing Shute Festival talking about his book The Frozen River, with Bijan Omrani.
The festival has been re-tuned, so to speak, to be a digital offering - which I think is a wonderful bit of inventiveness on the part of the organisers. You can book to become a member of the audience at
http://www.shutefest.org.uk/tickets--contact.html
James is also now writing a book called Cider Philosophy which should come out in June 2021 Harper Collins.
Indeed, he is something of a master cider-writer - his past books include “Cider forgotten Miracle” and “Ciderland” — he was also Common Ground’s apple day poet laureate back in 1999. “A very enjoyable job it was too,” says James.
Have a look at his own website to find out more…. http://james-crowden.co.uk
Clever bloke, my old pal James - and to prove it here is his poem containing a great many cider apples. Or as he puts it…
A SAUCEY Apple TALE FOR Mid Summer
When days were long and nights wore shorts
May Queen just been seen. June can't be shy
A voyage of Discovery that has a Racy end…
Where Beauty of Bath and Reverend Wilks,
Are caught arm in arm by Grenadier.
Ménage à trois in Stirling Castle
Wealthy Rival, Gascoyne's Scarlet,
Lord Grosvenor stepping out
With Lady Lambourne, on the stage
Plays Greensleeves to her Katy
As Lord Burghley and Cornish Gilliflower
Both dance the gig on Jupiter,
With Irish Peach and Clarinette
Much beloved by Colonel Vaughan
Who sinks his teeth into Gipsy King
As the Duchess's Favourite, Eros
Exquisite and Delectable with Golden Knob
Sets sail in the good ship Scilly Pearl
Bridgwater Pippin at the helm
James Grieve aloft, and in the galley
Peasgood's Nonsuch …
A voyage of Discovery for Acme the cabin boy…
Northern Spy the navigator
Three days out and bound for the Orient
They spot a ketch, Fair Maid of Taunton
With Captain Kidd the Pirate
and Mrs Barron, clamped in stays
Safe passage granted to Lavinia,
The Faerie Queen paid in Redgold
A close shave for Tinsley Quince
Maiden's Blush and Maggie Sinclair
Coquettes of September Beauty
Waited on hand and foot
Captures the pirate brig Camelot
Successfully rammed by her lover - Captain Broad
Raised on Breadfruit and Puffin
Then hails Saint Cecilia another Schooner
With Ruby the Pioneer aboard
Fresh from the Golden Nugget Dance hall.
It is she who has the Paradise Apple
Hidden under her skirts with Venus Pippin
Eager for a commentating slot at Ascot
"With Lady's Delight on Lord Derby
Wealthy Undine, on Merton Knave,
Romping home in the Quarrendon stakes
Pipped to the post,
Howgate Wonder and Lord Lambourne
A Fortune Lost for Forty Shilling
As Barnack Beauty falls at the Last Post
Bred by Lady Henniker sister to Lady Sudeley
Ridden by Lancashire Scotch Bridget
Trained by Old Fred Norris at their stables
Norfolk Summer Broadend
In memory of Nelson's Favourite racehorse
Nutmeg Pippin son of Blenheim Orange..
Yes it is Merton Knave
From Lady Henneker neck and neck
Which leaves Bess Pool and Bountiful Alice
Safe at home to Surprise the Schoolmaster
Hector Macdonald who every year
Re-tells the story of the Bloody Ploughman
And the Lass of Gowrie left Codlin her husband
Red Robin, shot dead by the keeper, Pig's Snout
For scrumping a few apples that Hoary Morning.
Called Dr Harvey and Sergeant Peggy to no avail
Tom Putt, the Parson and Laxton, the Sexton,
Said prayers, crossed themselves, Encore
And saw off Old Foxwhelp behind Luccombe Pine
While Ladies Finger points at Lemon Square
Still a fashionable address in Wickham Green
Very desirable the Hunt House at Worcester Pearmain,
Home to Sussex Mother and daughter Reinette D'Amorique
Both besotted with little Chorister Boy
Who, by mistake, had got a touch of the French Crab
Eloped with child to Flowery Town,
Befriended and then cured by Farmer's Glory
And Eynsham Dumpling a local couple
Who knew the secret of Bascombe's Mystery,
Which is why every Sunday Norman Tyler's Kernel,
Watches Small's Admirable Forester, Golden Harvey
Salute Norfolk Royal and May Queen
Coming up the drive smelling of Red Musk at cracking pace,
Closely followed by Lane's Prince Albert,
Late for the Diamond Jubilee that year at Sandringham
They invited Queen Caroline, Marriage Maker
To William Crump and Betty Geeson,
Dick's favourite, Edward VII's cigar
Much coveted by Egremont Russet himself
Duck's Bill who also invited Manaccan Primrose
D'Arcy Spice, Red Rollo and Tommy Knight,
Neild's Drooper and Annie Elisabeth,
Who between Sunrise and Sunset,
Played Sops in Wine and Sleeping Beauty
On the Coronation clavichord, to the Maid of Kent
Who out of bravado plucks the Pitmaston Pine Apple
Cox's a snoop at the Monarch Warner's King
Sings Sam Young of Kilkenny and the Star of Devon
On the big screen Stembridge Cluster's Last Stand
And other classics: The Red Army and Yellow Pitcher
Brown Snout and the Ballerina
While her little sister Annie Elizabeth of Alfriston
Romps home secretly behind their backs
To seize the orchard's prize. The Apple God in rich disguise.
James Crowden © 1999